What our photo session meant to me

It was my intention to keep this blog about adoption, but it's pretty much impossible for me to speak about our life in any authentic way without mentioning infertility. Infertility touches everything.

"...for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

-Laura Bush

Infertility is a loss- a huge, shattering, life-altering loss. There is no "getting-over" infertility. Like any profound loss, the longed for passage of time seems to offer the only hope for relief. But these past few years I've learned that time does not heal all wounds. God does give us more than we can handle. And sometimes things happen for no good reason. With the grace of God, I am learning to live with the ache. I cannot imagine it ever going away.

The road of infertility can feel like being in a windy dark tunnel with only flashes of light every so often that then quickly give way to even more darkness. 

We have been so blessed to hear the voice of God in this tunnel, crying out to us to build our family through adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility but it is a beautiful path of its own. 

Even though adoption doesn't make the dark tunnel of infertility go away, it does require us to allow God to lift us out of the darkness and to begin on the road to bring home our little one. 

Now that we are on this road filled with hope, it is so important to me to drink in every moment, to allow my weary soul to rest in the joy of anticipation. 

"For this is a taste, a taste of what is to come. Let if lift you up. Let it fire you up. Let it give you hope. You're not crazy. You're not wrong to believe there's something more. You will not be unhappy. Have faith. Trust. Open to the gift. It's coming. Your desire for life is not in vain."

- Christopher West, Fill These Hearts

Of course this is not about "getting what we want." It is about letting the earthly blessings we do have point us toward the joy of something this world cannot offer. I certainly have no delusions that mommyhood is going to be a cakewalk. What I do know is that God has momentarily called us out of this season of suffering and he is allowing us to experience a glimpse of what he promises. 

It can be difficult to stay-the-course. Perhaps this is why the smallest gestures of excitement and joy from those around us can mean so much. We are eager to leave behind the seemingly endless tunnel of sorrows and to bask in the light of hope. And we are so grateful to all those around us for sharing in our joy. Joy really does multiply when it is shared. 

And so in my efforts to soak up the joy of this journey, I reached out to a few photographers about doing an adoption announcement photo session. I was so excited when my long-time style crush, Laura Ivanova, said she was up for the task. 

There was one thing standing in our way though- money. Neither Matt or I felt right about spending money on pictures when we need every last penny we can get to fund the adoption costs. I explained our situation to Laura and to my great surprise, she offered to generously give of her time and talents to make the adoption shoot a reality for us. Words cannot express how loved and cared about I felt upon hearing this news. Having someone you don't even know help you in such a huge way is truly humbling.

It will be a few weeks before we get to see the photos, but just the process itself was tremendously healing. I felt as though I was letting go of the crushing weight of my grief. The photo session offered us an opportunity to connect again as a couple, to step out from under the silent ephemeral shadows and to let this anticipation lift us up, fire us up, and give us hope. 

Thank you, Laura.